Last week, my friend Sophie had her dad, Paul, visiting from France and we decided to take him to Bottega Louie for an early dinner. In 2009, LA Times wrote Bottega Louie up as a place that “seems too good to be true. A palatial restaurant/gourmet market/patisserie opens downtown– a marvel of white marble, brass trim and floor-to-ceiling windows that’s aswarm with smiling servers.” With an extensive menu of small bites, pizzas, salads and pastas, not to mention the hip downtown location, the bar at Bottega Louie is always inviting.
Once we ordered, we noticed the abundance of young men, clad in appropriate hipster wear, “hanging out” in the café area adjacent to the bar – with a book, a macbook or just writing lackadaisically into their moleskins. As a writer, this scene at Bottega Louie made perfect sense – there’s great coffee, amazing cupcakes, and REAL macaroons. Plus, the people watching is ideal. However, Paul, while he enjoyed the atmosphere, wasn’t so keen on ‘hanging out’ as a pastime, especially when it came to men. Paul’s fervent disdain for an activity that is, by nature, so laid back made me laugh.
The more we talked, the more I realized that while the idea of “hanging out” may be seemingly innocent, the activity itself has always gotten me into trouble. In high school, my parents gave me a hard time when I told them I was going to hang out with my friends. They were certain I had some ulterior motive I was hiding from them. “What do you mean hang out? What are you gonna DO? Shop? Eat? Watch a movie?” “I dunno. Probably just hang out.”
The vagueness of hanging out infuriated my parents and I never quite understood why…until boys started asking me to hang out. My naivety often left me confused when these male “friends” suddenly blurted – “I can’t do this anymore!”
ME: Do what? Did you not like the beef tartare?
When our food came, Paul enthusiastically agreed that in addition to the nice decor, the restaurant also has perfect food. Among our favorites: house made ravioli stuffed with spinach & ricotta in a light cream sauce with pancetta, sage & peas. Meatballs marinara. Brussel sprouts. Pizza Bianco with garlic & rocket arugula.
In Europe, Paul told us, he and other men of his generation would often go to cafés, where they have bars, to have a quick meal and a drink after work. They were men of purpose – go here, be there, do that. They didn’t “hang.” Paul adamantly declared “hanging out” unmanly. What kind of man sits around a coffee shop all afternoon eating cake? That was a woman’s activity.
After our light, but filling meal, Sophie insisted on ordering a variety of sweets. The cupcakes were just too pretty to resist. As I licked cream cheese frosting off a red velvet cupcake, Sophie told us about a recent guy (mid-30’s) who she thinks is interested in dating her. After meeting on an international flight from Paris to LA, he sent her a text that read – “Can we hang out sometime?” They never ended up getting together.
This is the problem – while hanging-out may seem like a noncommittal way to get to know someone, it’s also vague, cowardly, and in many ways, frustrating for both parties. Some might attribute the trend of ‘hanging out’ to the abundance of choices and indecision. Well, indecision doesn’t exactly scream ‘sexy.’ But Paul points out something we’ve all heard before – when it comes to women, men are not indecisive. They are very certain what they want to DO – they’re just afraid of rejection.
As the sun went down, the restaurant filled with people. Around the open kitchen, enclosed in glass, a group of sharp waiters gathered for a demonstration. I googled “hang out” on my iPhone – the literal definition I got was “to suspend.” With only 24 hours in a day, and so much to see and do, who has time to suspend?
The females in any herd always want the best male in the herd. So essentially, the ideal mate is the man that all other women want and the man that all other men want to be. That leader of the herd is not going to send a TEXT MESSAGE asking to “hang out,” “sometime,” “maybe.” I can’t help but hear my dad’s voice, and think – “But what are we DOING?” This may sound harsh, but on some level, if we are honest with ourselves, this translates to, “what are you looking for and what do you have to offer?” And perhaps the real fear is having to confront the answer to those two questions…or having to admit to not knowing.
I thought of the many friendships with men I’ve lost over the years and Sophie admitted to a similar history. There is no simple answer – we’re certainly not saying that men should act like neanderthals or be jackasses. But there’s something sexy about directness and clarity, because it all comes down to confidence. The confidence to make a decision and act on it. The confidence to risk failure. The confidence to know who you are, what you want and what you have to offer…then, being consistent and honest about it. No one ever said it was easy – we’re all trying to figure these things out. Me most of all. And while loving relationships can help guide you along the way, the most important journeys are the ones we take alone.
After dinner, Paul pulled our bar stools out for us, protected us from evildoers as he walked us to our car, and thanked us for a delightful evening. Yes, it’s always nice to be in the company of chivalry…and good food doesn’t hurt either. Till next time, Louie…
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I was surprised to see the post’s focus shift from food to male/female interactions, but if that’s the M.O. of the blog, I’m sure it can work.
Substance: while I agree with a lot of what you say about the effectiveness of bluntness on getting what you want, I can’t say that I agree bluntness is the best method. I use bluntness -and other guys should, too -when talking to girls I want to screw, not date. Girls I want to date, I play the game with. I show them some interest, and then back off…ball’s in their court. The reason? She needs to win me over, as well, and me lowering my horns and charging full speed doesn’t really give her that opportunity, much less the motivation, to show me she’s worth more of my time than just tonight.
And, since you know me, Lulu, I hope I needn’t say that my methods work. Just talk this is not.
No specific M.O. – just whatever happens while eating at the bar. That’s why I love it – it’s a good slice of life experience.
I think we’ve actually had this discussion (read: debate) before…at the bar of Franklin Southie for brunch. First of all, you are actually pretty blunt – perhaps, not blunt, but I’m pretty sure you have the ability to make your intentions clear when you want to. “Fear” is not in your vocabulary.
No one’s talking about lowering horns or charging full speed, but how about a simple – “You’re very attractive. Let me buy you dinner this weekend.” or at the bar, a simple “Can I buy you a drink?” And not…”I love food too! We should hang out sometime and check out some places.” My only argument is avoiding vagueness. It’s a good policy for business and personal.
Lulu, I like this hanging out blog very much. I was always for being direct with men too. That’s how I got Dennis!